How to get past the hurt and disappointment into a new relationship.
By Jody Martins
And so it happened…
I can remember walking into the house one evening and as I entered she stood across the room saying “We must talk…” You know those words that we kind of dread to hear especially when matched with the tone of voice and posture of seriousness. Most of the rest of that night is a blur but I can remember her saying, “I just can’t take it anymore, I want a divorce”. Now for some it might have happened something like this and for others perhaps not. Those words at that time shattered my world. I could not believe it.
Tell me this…
How many people get married to get divorced? Most people get married because they share hopes, dreams of a future together, because they love each other, because they are best friends or perhaps the sexual connection is just so strong… Whatever their reasons were, I am sure that those who consider getting married do not plan or imagine how they are going to divorce the other person. And yet somehow we do.
Let me just say right here…
To those reading this article who have not had the experience of going through a divorce, consider yourselves fortunate. It is not like we planned it. We did play our part in it of course. We might not have liked it or desired it, but we felt it: the hurt, pain, uncertainty, self-loathing, blame etc. is not something that we would like to go through again, or would want for anyone else.
However…
I am writing this article for those who have gone through a divorce. Whether you wanted it or not or if it was you who suggested it or your partner, no doubt at some point in time you would have experienced a whole range of emotions as the ones mentioned above. Possibly we can include regret, depression, shock, anger, frustration… all of these have the potential to be great emotions to hold you back. This is all fair and well and mostly quite natural.
About emotions…
Emotions are ‘generated’ by the difference between our perception and reality. My perception when I walked into the room (although I was unhappy myself at that time) was that everything in our relationship at the time was normal, kind of the same as always, the reality was that she said it’s over. This caused a whole range of emotions in me of course and also the change I did not want but needed.
Emotions are only signals that show, as mentioned before, the difference between reality and our perception. This gives us choice. Choice to change our perception or to change the reality, choice to decide if we want to keep these emotions that holds us back or if we want to embrace emotions that can move us forward. The meaning we give to our emotions can greatly affect the way we experience them. Lets imagine ‘anger’ as an example, “When I am angry, I just can’t cope.” which has the potential to turn into depression. Compared to “When I am angry, it shows to me that I am not happy with something.” which has the potential to create some more resourceful responses. By becoming more aware of the meaning we give to emotions we can have a large impact on how we experience our emotions. Whether they are of the “hold you back” or “move you forward” type.
Healing past hurts…
A past hurt not released has the potential to leash any new relationship. An effective method to leave behind past hurts is through acceptance of what happened and what is now. Is there anything in the past and now that you have not accepted yet, and by accepting it you will move forward to where you want to be? What would happen if you just accepted it? Have you given yourself permission to experience fully all the emotions that you are experiencing? Have you given yourself permission to be ok, with not being ok? How would things change if you did that? What does it mean to you now that you have accepted these things and given permission in this way?
Considering a new relationship…
Relationships are not exclusive to husband and wife, they are part of our everyday life; relationships exist between you and friends, family, co-workers, your boss, your neighbour etc. Relationships are all about relating to others. Your relating is not dependent on the other person – irrespective of who they are in your life. Your relating, or your ability to relate or build relationship, is dependent on you. Your ability to listen to others, communicate clearly with them and to be there for them in a way that is congruent and authentic to you. You will notice I refer to these as abilities as they can be learned, enhanced and you can get better at listening to others, supporting others and communicating more clearly.
Things to be clear on…
Things that break down relationships are judgment, conditionality and assumptions. By judging we are not accepting of the other person and who they are. By placing conditions on love or a relationship we do not allow others the freedom to be themselves authentically and by assuming we ‘kill’ communication and in the process of all of these, we can create quite a few opportunities for conflict.
So to wrap up…
I often refer to relationships as the biggest change agents in people’s lives. Whether getting married or divorced, your life changes. Relationships have a tendency to show or bring to the surface things that need attention in your life. That is why being in a relationship is to work on your self. To be open to seeing yourself through the eyes of another, with no judgment and to then be open to learning and growing yourself. If you are not prepared to do that, then do not consider a relationship yet. It is up to each person in the relationship to own his or her own ‘stuff’, to be accepting of the other, to love them unconditionally and to get clear on what is really going on.
My happy ending…
I feel very fortunate in that my divorce was accompanied by my studies as a Relationship Coach. I had an environment where I could deal with all my stuff in the most effective and supportive manner possible. Learning for myself through this process and so hopefully helping others to be as fortunate too. Currently I am very much happily married and still working on me and my relationship.
Jody is a Relationship Coach who focuses on helping people who are ready to move on after a divorce, and find a new love relationship, through tailored Relationship Coaching programmes.
Have a look at our services related to Relationships.
