The real reason we avoid tough conversations: Psychological safety

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about one particular aspect of having courageous conversations, and that’s safety.

I see myself as pretty open to having the conversations that need to be had, even when they’re difficult. I’d even say I’ve developed some skill at having them. Others have described me as quite courageous in dealing with things.

Yet recently, I’ve found myself avoiding a few tough conversations. I know why I need to speak up. I’ve spent hours thinking through the angles and how to approach the subject. And still, I haven’t managed to start a single conversation.

So I’ve been reflecting on what’s really stopping me. And without going into all the details, the main issue is not feeling safe.

It’s interesting because it’s not a physical sense of danger. It’s emotional. It’s as if my body knows that with this person, and this topic, there’ll be a reaction that means extra work: preparation beforehand to keep things manageable, and repair work afterwards to smooth things over again.

It’s frustrating. Even with all my skill, I find myself here.

Have you ever had this experience too? I think most of us have.

When it feels unsafe to speak, we end up avoiding, postponing, walking on eggshells, even smiling on the outside while feeling something very different inside.

What makes conversations feel unsafe

This reflection led me to ask two questions:

  • What is it that this person does (or doesn’t do) that makes it harder to bring things up?
  • And equally, what do I do (or not do) that might make others feel unsafe around me?

In psychology, this is called psychological safety. It’s the belief that you can speak up, ask questions, or make mistakes without being humiliated, blamed, or punished.

It’s what allows open dialogue, creative thinking, and honest feedback to exist, especially when emotions are high or the moment feels personal.

When we don’t feel psychologically safe, our nervous system quietly moves into self-protection. We might:

  • Avoid the person or the topic.
  • Stay silent even when we disagree.
  • Numb ourselves to dodge confrontation.
  • Overthink every word, before and after the conversation.

And so, the very discussions that could bring clarity or healing never happen.

How to create Psychological Safety (for yourself and others)

The empowering part is that psychological safety is something we can actively create.

If you don’t feel safe with someone:

  • Prepare your state. Pause before speaking. Ground yourself with a few deep breaths or a slow exhale. Choose a time when you feel steady.
  • Name what’s true (gently). Try: “This feels like a tricky conversation, and I want us to be able to talk about it openly.” Sometimes the first step is a meta-conversation about how to have difficult conversations better.
  • Set boundaries. Ask for a calmer moment, a neutral space, or even a time-out if emotions are running high.
  • Choose your safety first. It’s okay to step back if the environment consistently feels hostile or if the other person can’t meet you halfway.

To help others feel safe with you:

  • Listen to understand, not to reply. The pause between their words and your response often communicates more safety than any “perfect” answer.
  • Acknowledge their emotions. Saying “I can see this is important to you” softens defenses.
  • Own your part. Admitting when you’ve missed something or could have handled it differently builds enormous trust.
  • Separate the person from the issue. Disagree with ideas, not identities. The goal is connection, not perfection.
  • End with appreciation. Thank them for having the courage to speak up. It makes the next conversation easier.

Psychological safety isn’t about avoiding discomfort. It’s about building enough trust that discomfort doesn’t destroy the connection.

The heart of a courageous conversation

Maybe that’s the real heart of a courageous conversation:
It’s not about having no fear.
It’s about learning to hold both fear and respect (for ourselves and the person across from us) at the same time.

Over time, I’m reminded that silence costs more. It distances us from others, and from our own integrity.

If this idea of creating psychological safety (for yourself and for others) resonates, let me know. I’ll share more as I learn, because this is something I’m still practicing too.

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Written by Telana Simpson, Courage and Communication Coach based in South Africa, helping professionals develop psychological safety and confidence to speak up.

Need more ideas to help handle touch conversations? Here is my free guide for 7 Top Tips for having more courageous conversations – (one of them is how, why and when to use time-outs)!