“Emotions shape every conversation. They guide what we say and how we hear, often in ways we don’t realize.”
– Charles Duhigg, Supercommunicators
That line stopped me in my tracks. It’s from a new book I stumbled across called Supercommunicators, and honestly, it’s changed how I think about conversations.
We often believe that good communication is all about saying the right words. But it’s not just about what we say. It’s also how we feel when we say it – and how the other person is feeling when they hear it.
Let me tell you a personal story to explain what I mean.
The Housework Situation That Taught Me Everything
There’s something that really gets under my skin.
It’s housework. More specifically, being the only one doing it. I’ve found myself far too often elbow-deep in dirty dishes, trying to clean the kitchen before I can even start cooking dinner, again.
And yes, I’ve snapped.
I’ve grumbled.
I’ve muttered sarcastic things under my breath.
But guess what? Those conversations never went well.
Whenever I tried to bring up the topic of sharing the household chores while I was still angry and frustrated, it came out wrong. I sounded passive-aggressive. Confrontational. Even a bit snarky. And naturally, my loved ones felt attacked. They got defensive.
The result? Nothing changed.
No one really heard me.
Why Emotions Hijack Communication
That’s when this insight from Supercommunicators made so much sense to me.
Every conversation has an emotional undercurrent.
And when we ignore that, we risk being completely misunderstood.
Think about it:
- You’re stressed from work, and someone gives you feedback. It might sound like criticism.
- You’re tired, and someone asks you a simple question. You hear it as a demand.
- You’re frustrated, and someone tries to joke. It just annoys you more.
It’s not the words that are the problem.
It’s the state we’re in when we hear them.
So What Do We Do Instead?
Here’s what I started doing with my housework frustrations, and it made a world of difference.
Instead of speaking up in the heat of the moment, I hold back. I let myself cool down. I give myself a moment to reset emotionally. Sometimes that’s after dinner. Sometimes it’s the next day. Over coffee.
Then I bring it up gently.
Calmly.
When everyone’s in a better mood.
That’s when the conversation actually works.
People listen.
They hear what I’m saying, not just how I’m feeling.
Three Practical Ways to Use Emotional Intelligence in Conversations
You don’t need to be a therapist or an expert to use emotional intelligence. Just try these simple steps:
- Check your own state before you speak.
Ask: Am I tired? Frustrated? Hurt? If so, maybe pause. Take a walk. Write it down first. - Pick your timing wisely.
Hard conversations don’t belong in the middle of chaos. Wait for a calm moment, when both of you are open and present. - Name the emotion – out loud if needed.
Try saying: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and I don’t want that to affect how I talk about this.” It lowers the temperature in the room, instantly.
Why It Matters at Work Too
This isn’t just about housework or family life.
If you’ve ever sat in a meeting and felt like someone totally missed your point. Emotional intelligence was probably the missing ingredient.
If you’ve ever avoided giving feedback because you didn’t want it to blow up – yip, same issue.
Strong communication isn’t just about having the right words. It’s about choosing the right moment, and showing up in the right state.
When we understand how emotions shape conversations, we’re better able to say what we really mean – and to hear what others are actually trying to say.
One Courageous Conversation at a Time
Communication shapes relationships. Relationships shape everything.
So if we want to grow (at home, in our careers, in life) it starts with emotional intelligence. It starts with learning to listen beneath the words, and speak from a calmer place, not just a clever one.
And as I’ve learned (one dish and one conversation at a time):
Even the smallest moments, like how we talk about chores, can shift everything , when we bring more awareness and care to how we feel, and how we speak.
What’s one conversation you’ve been avoiding that could go better if you paused, checked your emotions, and approached it differently?
Start there.
