Why do I keep avoiding difficult conversations at work, and what’s really happening underneath?
We’ve all done it. Something is bothering us at work, like maybe our colleague keeps missing deadlines that affect us, or our boss made a comment that stung. We know we should address it, but instead we swallow the frustration, vent to a trusted co-worker, or take it home and stew.
So why do we do this? Why do smart, capable professionals avoid these conversations, even when we know they matter?
On my podcast, Let’s Talk Courageous Conversations, I asked counselling psychologist Hazel Kurian this question. We explored something called triangulation, which is a sneaky way we dodge conflict by bringing in a third party instead of speaking directly. It was an enlightening conversation, and I got even more understanding on what is going on when we avoid tough conversations. May I share some ideas from this here, and in the next few articles in this series?
The real reason we avoid conflict
Hazel explained it simply:
“Usually, the main reasons why triangles are sometimes easier to maintain than actually talking directly is because people want to avoid conflict. We’re raised, often as kids, that confrontation is the worst thing ever, and that we must by all means try and avoid it.”
So true, hey?! Most of us weren’t taught how to manage conflict. At school, at home, even at work, the message was: keep the peace, don’t rock the boat. So, it’s no surprise that when something uncomfortable comes up, our instinct is to sidestep it.
Instead of saying, “I need to talk to you about this,” we bring in a third party. And that’s triangulation. It could be a friend, a colleague, HR, or even your partner at home who hears you vent night after night. Sometimes it’s not even a person. Work itself can be the “third party.” Or alcohol. Or the kids. Or shopping. Even Netflix. Anything that acts as a buffer so you don’t have to deal directly with the person in front of you.
What triangulation looks like at work
Hazel gave examples that probably sound familiar.
- An employee complains about their manager to a colleague instead of addressing the manager directly.
- A colleague goes to HR, not because it’s a formal issue, but because they don’t want to face the awkwardness of a direct chat.
- Team members recruit each other into “camps” (us versus them) instead of sitting down to sort things out.
Sometimes, this can even feel productive. After all, venting helps us feel heard. Yet if it becomes a pattern, it keeps us stuck. Relationships don’t grow, problems don’t get resolved, and we keep experiencing the same frustrations, over and over.
Why it feels easier to vent than to confront
Honestly, venting feels good in the moment. When we get something off our chest we feel a sense of relief, and it can even build camaraderie. But as Hazel pointed out:
“The difference between an unhealthy triangulation and a healthy kind of support is that a good friend, or someone in the helping profession, won’t just let you complain. They’ll listen, and then say: maybe you should also talk about that directly. Have you thought about communicating with this person yourself?”
The truth we have to face is this: Venting doesn’t change anything unless it leads to a direct conversation. Otherwise, you’re outsourcing your power, and ignoring the uncomfortable.
And sometimes, there’s an extra layer: we avoid because it feels safer to stay the victim. If I keep someone else as “the villain,” then I don’t have to take responsibility for my own choices or voice. It’s much harder to say, “I need to have that conversation” than to say, “My boss is impossible.”
The roles we play (and get stuck in)
Hazel talked about the roles that emerge in these triangles:
- The Victim: feels powerless, complains, avoids.
- The Villain: the person blamed for everything.
- The Rescuer: the one who listens, mediates, or gets dragged in as the go-between.
We’ve all played each role. I’ve been the Victim, moaning about someone rather than facing them. I’ve also been the Rescuer (in the past this was my go-to, default, unhealthy role!), listening to someone vent while secretly knowing I was just fuelling the fire. Maybe we’ve been cast as the Villain in someone else’s story, without even realizing it.
Here’s the problem: when we stay in these roles, nothing shifts. The triangle keeps spinning, and the drama keep happening!
So how do you break the cycle?
This is where courage comes in. Avoidance might feel easier in the moment, but it costs us in the long run. And the costs include stress, strained relationships, and even stalled careers. So what’s the alternative?
Spot the pattern
Ask yourself: am I talking about this person to others more than I’m talking to them? Am I always avoiding certain topics? That’s a sign you’re triangulating.
Check your payoff
What am I getting out of avoiding? Maybe it’s the comfort of support. Maybe it’s the relief of not facing conflict. Hazel pointed out:
“Sometimes it’s safer for me to be surrounded by people who just support me so that I don’t have to do something by myself.”
Shift back to direct conversation
This doesn’t mean blurting things out in anger. It means scheduling a time, preparing what you want to say, and aiming for clarity over blame. Use “I” statements instead of “you always” accusations. (If you’d like a guide for this, click here).
Get healthy support
It’s okay to vent or prepare with a friend, coach, or therapist, as long as the goal is to build courage and prepare for a direct conversation, not avoid it altogether.
Practice small acts of courage
Don’t wait for the “big confrontation.” Start with little moments:
- Saying, “I disagree” in a meeting.
- Asking, “Can we talk about what happened yesterday?”
- Setting a boundary instead of staying silent.
Each step builds your muscle for bigger conversations.
The bigger payoff
Avoidance feels safe, but it actually keeps you powerless. Facing conflict directly feels scary, but it’s the only way to grow stronger relationships and stronger leadership.
Hazel summed it up:
“The most important thing in terms of triangulation is the relationship between the two people in conflict – and that means directly talking to each other and actually directly addressing the issue.”
That’s where the growth happens. Not in the venting to a third party. Not in the complaining to someone else. It’s in the talking to the person directly.
A final thought
One of the things Hazel said that stuck with me was about how we were never really taught to have these conversations. That’s why they feel so hard. But they can be learned. Communication skills, and courage, are like muscles. The more we use them, the stronger they get.
So next time you catch yourself avoiding, pause and ask: what’s really going on underneath? Chances are, it’s just the old conditioning to avoid conflict. You don’t have to keep living in that triangle. You can choose courage.
If this article hit home for you, and you know you’ve been avoiding conversations that matter, let’s talk. My Readiness Session is a gentle way to explore what courageous communication could look like in your life and career. You’ll leave with clarity on your next steps. Book yours here.
