“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”
– Viktor E. Frankl
That quote sums up what assertiveness is all about. It’s about choosing your response instead of reacting automatically, especially when the pressure is on.
Let me tell you a quick story.
Years ago, I sat in a meeting where someone interrupted me mid-sentence. Not once. Not twice. But three times. Each time, I swallowed my words. Nodded politely. Waited for “a gap.” It never came.
By the time the meeting ended, my idea (one I’d worked on all week) was still stuck in my throat. And I was left feeling angry!
That’s when I realised something: I wasn’t being assertive. I was being passive. I let fear of seeming “too much” stop me from speaking up. And it cost me.
So, what is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express what you need, feel, or want – clearly and respectfully. It’s not about being pushy. It’s not about being a doormat. It’s about standing your ground without stepping on someone else’s toes.
It’s a communication style., and a response to stress. It is also a life skill. A choice.
And here’s the best part: it’s something you can learn.
The Assertiveness Continuum
Picture a line.
On one end, there’s aggression. This is the “I’ll get what I want no matter what” approach. Think loud voices, cutting people off, dominating the conversation. Aggression is forceful. It says: “My needs matter. Yours don’t.”
Then, swing to the other end and you find passivity. This is the people-pleasing, self-silencing side. It says: “Your needs matter. Mine? Not so much.” You hold back, even when something bothers you, just to avoid conflict or rejection.
And in the middle? That’s assertiveness. Right there. Not silent. Not violent. Just calm, clear confidence.
There’s also a sneaky style that hides in the shadows: passive-aggressive. You know that sarcastic comment that stings a little? Or when someone agrees to help but then “forgets” to follow through? That’s passive-aggression. It’s indirect. It creates confusion and tension.
Here’s how Assertiveness looks in real life
- Saying “I’m not available this weekend” without making 17 excuses.
- Asking a colleague to stop interrupting you, without snapping at them.
- Telling your partner “I feel overwhelmed when the chores pile up, can we find a better balance?”
- Saying “No, I won’t take on another project right now”, without guilt.
It’s strong. It’s kind. It’s clear.
Why Does Assertiveness Matter?
Because stress brings out our worst patterns.
Some of us go silent. We disappear in conflict. Others go loud. We bulldoze.
And most of the time, we think we don’t have a choice. But we do. That space between stimulus and response? That’s where assertiveness lives.
When you’re assertive, you reduce miscommunication. You build better relationships. You respect yourself, and others. And you feel stronger inside.
One of the most wonderful things a client of mine once said after learning to be more assertive was:
“I finally know where I was going wrong- and that speaking up for myself is not only allowed, it’s essential for all our well-beings.”
That gave me goosebumps.
It takes Courage (and that’s a good thing)
Assertiveness isn’t always easy. It means facing discomfort. Risking disapproval. But it also grows courage.
And courage? Courage spills into everything. Work. Relationships. Leadership. Life.
The more assertive you become, the braver you feel. And the braver you feel, the more assertive you become. It’s a beautiful feedback loop.
How to be more Assertive – Starting today!
Let’s get practical. Here are three simple ways to begin:
- Use “I” Statements
Instead of saying “You never listen,” try “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.” This keeps the focus on your experience rather than blaming. - Practice Saying “No”
Start small. Say no to that extra task at work or that coffee date when you’re drained. Keep it polite but firm: “I can’t make it, thanks for understanding.” - Pause Before You Speak
Especially in stressful situations. Take a breath. Feel your feet on the ground. Choose your words with intention. That pause is where your power is.
You can learn Assertiveness
Assertiveness isn’t a personality trait. It’s a skill.
And like any skill, it takes practice. You don’t have to be perfect. Just start.
Each time you speak up for yourself, you build inner strength. Each time you hold space for another’s needs and your own, you create deeper connection.
Assertiveness isn’t about being right. It’s about being real.
And real is powerful. [be real]
Ready to build your assertiveness muscles?
Start with one small moment today where you speak your truth respectfully. That’s how it begins. One choice. One voice. Yours.
Would you like a free guide on how to say “No” with confidence? Great, I have one coming soon!
